9:19 PM, Friday, Mar. 12, 2010
You know, lately, you've realized, that I've slowly drifted from asian-style into white-style. Sort of.
Like, before, whenever I went white, I had random moments of asian people that made me feel outsider. And then when I went asian, I go into random moments of white and feel outsider too. Ergh. I'm just not comfortable with either.
I think. I'm going for the lookbook look. Or something like that. Something like that asian Sydney Jessica or Jennifer girl from Lookbook. In between, sort of. I want to try. Really.
Because I don't want to stay on one side of the spectrum. I wanna mix you know. But for some reason, it's so hard for me. Ergh. I think I've gradually come to find my own style, like vintage, unique-ish, like what I always liked, before I went into the peer pressure thing in high school.
Ergh, why is life so complicated.
Anyway, at this current moment, I feel like running away from the European-look I've been going for to the asian side of the world. I feel insecure. Scared. Sort of from Wednesday, and also from facebooking Marley from primary.
I just realized how bogan my suburb is. No. Not like, JUST. Like, I knew it was always filled with bogan people. But like, I realized how everything I knew has changed. I'm not used to it. I don't know it.
I only know the city world, the asian world, the Tegan white world. But you know like Marley, Brodie and who knows else. They fully went into like the slutty/bimbo-looking thing. Tanned. Blonde. Long choppy hair. I hate that hairstyle. It's gross as. But man, I saw a whole bunch of them at the station today.
No one at our school does it, even the whites. Even the newtown people keep it on the down low. But seiriously. ALL OF THEM had the fucking plastic hairstyle, the make-up, the off-shoulder cropped loose shirts, the short short short denim cuffed shorts. I'm like oh fuck, is this place really all like that??
And I'm suddenly all warified. I'm awkward. I don't like this suburb as I used to. It's because of that fucking guy from two days ago. Shit, do those fuckers even know how much they make their victims mentally retarded from overthinking this shit??
Fuck.
I feel unsafe when I go out now. I used LOVE wearing short stuff and flaunting it like hell around my place. The city too but it's not the same. And now I feel like pulling at my skirt, carrying a thick book to protect myself with, and checking around me at every corner and turn.
I don't know if it's a good thing or not. But I don't like it. Why did it happen to me. Even if it was joke. It made me realize how helpless and weak I am compared to a guy. Despite all my awesome fantasies of me being a gangster, I'm a girl. I'm weaker than them.
It's such a... sad fact. I'm a proud, stubborn girl you know. I'm like, Amanda, but in a more fragile form. I wanna do weights and gain some arm muscles, but then I want to keep them nice and skinny and feminine. I'm so vain, I know.
Anyway, really, what am I going to do? On the outside, I'm pretending not to care, feeling like showing the guy who did it I didn't even care for it, that it was such a trivial thing.
You know, I think I'd feel a bit better if there was a sign of a group of them that had tried it out, not just one person. Then I'd know it was a joke or something. But like this, it's like, crazy psycho bitches.
Fuck. I'm really screwing myself over. I need someone to tell me it's not a big deal. I need someone to tell me what to do. I need someone to tell me I can handle it if it happens again. I need someone to tell me they'll be right there for me.
I have to fight this out alone.
I have to fight this out alone.
I have to fight this out alone.
I have to fight this out.
I'm stronger than this.
I'm overthinking it. Am I? Is it weird for me to be? What are the chances of it happening again? I wish I could ask someone. But no one knows.
You know who I think would be the best person to talk about this to? Amanda. The fucking girl is more realist than I am.
I will tell her my troubles.
When I have the courage to.
On another note... I'm into indie and folk music :) Lisa Mitchell is the best girl in the woooooorld, love her<333