20:40, Wednesday, Sept. 20, 2023
Wow it's been 6 months since my last entry. It feels like such a long time ago since then and yet this year has just flown right by. I feel like I've done more in these past 6 months then the two years prior combined. I managed to finally settle on a place and move out. And I got a promotion. These are probably my highlights but it's like they've further triggered open doors to new experiences.
I've mentioned to a couple of friends, but in hindsight when I look back, my mind and mental state are in such a better place now that I've finally achieved those goals after such a long period of time. Looking back, I was not in a good place mentally in 2022. I wasn't able to achieve those goals (largely outside of my control) and it felt so disappointing waiting for it to happen, I felt so disillusioned. I ended up trying to chase the feeling of happiness to make myself feel better but everything became tainted. I couldn't enjoy those things that I usually did e.g. travelling and being with friends. I would plan these things expecting my mood to recover, only to be disappointed when the experience fell short, and I had no idea why. Maybe I'd changed.
And I had. But it wasn't because I no longer enjoyed doing those things. I just couldn't escape from the depressing cloud over my head at the time. And now that it's cleared up, I'm once again able to enjoy all those things and truly be present in the moment. It feels like a giant weight off my heart, my heart feels so open and full of love and excited to embrace the world.
It feels like my life is just starting now.
Financially, physically, emotionally, mentally, I feel this freedom to just do whatever I want to do. For so long, there's always been something holding me back, or a little voice in my head making nagging comments after everything I do. But now, it feels like, I'm there. I'm finally there at the end of the road (for now) and it's finally time to do all those things I set aside for this moment, because there's nothing stopping me now. It feels freeing, exciting, and rejuvinating. I only wish I could have started this new journey earlier, but what I've learnt and am constantly being reminded of is that timing can't be controlled.
In my last entry, I mentioned how I wanted to revisit the person who I used to be in my childhood and teenage years, but I was afraid that I was no longer that person anymore and that I wouldn't be able to go back. But these days, I feel like, that person, who has always been inside of me, is just now resurfacing and making their way back into the world.