01:01, Friday, Mar. 20, 2015
Yo.
It's been over 3 years since I graduated high school and I don't think I have ever lightened the weight on my back that is future career stress. In fact, it feels like it gets heavier and heavier each year, and it feels like it's gradually outweighing all my other problems to win heaviest fucker of them all.
I think one reason is the implanted concept of measurement and comparison. Against others. With others. Of ourselves. Of everything. I always to aspire to be one who just ignores it all and judges myself on my own terms and not on anyone's else's. But it's hard sometimes, to forget. It's not even how I was raised, or how modern society is (both which do contribute), but how as human beings with active 'intelligent' minds we are naturally inclined to do this. It's like this fugly ass stain in my white shirt that just won't come out no matter how hard I try to wash it.
Another reason would have to be the worst though possibly greatest gift of growing up: hindsight. In hindsight, I should have done this, or done that, or tried this, or tried that, or met him, or ditched her, or whatever. My rule is to never regret anything I've done unless it was done on a minute whim - which doesn't happen often - and I've kept it. I only wish I could have gotten to where I am now faster. I wish I could get to wherever I go in the future now. I want the day to hurry up and pass and I can move forward, but I feel strained when I think of how much I haven't yet done before moving on.
Fuck it. Fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it.
You know I think about it everyday, at least once, sometimes more, for years now and it echoes like a vibration coming closer and louder and it makes more and more sense to me as time continues, but here it is in written admittance: I'm ready to leave this world.
I can't imagine what it'll be like in a few years living each day on bills, on supplies, on payments, on time, on money, on numbers and figures and calenders that will just make me feel more stressed as time goes on. And as I move forward, I'll always be looking back and wondering. Wondering what it would be like to be someone else.
Oh, you say, why don't I just do it now, go party, go study, go do that, if that's what I want. But what I mean is, it's things like, oh, what if I lived in the mountains and grew my own vegetables as a lifestyle? What if I moved to a foreign country and lived on a pittance of wages? What if I joined a dodgy government agency and committed my life to espionage. It's all fucking crazy bat shit stuff. Escapism really. But in a way, I take the wondering quite seriously. And then I hate how I've committed myself to living within these standards.
It's all going to end anyway. How many years until I graduate, until I'm no longer a student, until I can get a better job, until I can get an even better job, until I can buy a house, until I can spend my savings, until I can retire, until I can just rest, until I can just die.
Sorry for all this negativity and shittiness. I'm breaking out from the stress. Hopefully it'll work out in a few weeks.