01:28, Monday, Oct. 27, 2014
1. I never study anymore. I don't know why I've become so against it now, especially when results still define me to some extent, in terms of job prospects, a good life approach, when amongst intelligent company, etc. etc. I'm ashamed of my attitude, to be honest. But I hate it, I absolutely hate it, and I can never find the motivation in me to do it properly, even when the worst is on the line.
2. I hate spending a lot of money on dumb presents, especially on people who are good friends in name only, and actually just acquaintances underneath.
3. When I was in high school, I used to check Joanna's diary regularly all the time, but I've never looked at it even once since that entry.
4. I've never 'liked' someone or considered someone before they liked or hinted at me first.
5. I don't think I've ever been in love. I think I've had some kind of romantic feeling for two people, a crush perhaps, a bubbly physical feeling in my stomach. Everyone else I've never really felt anything remotely like that for, though I consider people I meet all the time. I think it's because I'm enamoured by the idea of romantic love, as many are, but I don't actually feel it. As I come to realise this more and more, I begin to turn my back on it altogether and just not give a shit anymore. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't, but I feel like the most I would be able to do now is look them in the eye and roll lies off my tongue with a smile.
6. I feel like there's a space between X and I these days, but strangely enough, I don't seem to mind.
7. Absolutely love zombies/post-apocalyptic shit.
8. I've been entertaining the idea of not wanting kids for a few years now, and the feeling has only gotten stronger. I don't think I could handle it. Plus I hate kids. Does this make me a horrible person? I never tell people this; I lie and say I want 2 kids, which was true at one stage. I can't tell if this is just a phase or if I definitely don't want to. But I feel like if I told someone, they'd be disappointed in me.
9. I used to think I was so pretty, the prettiest girl ever. It was one (strange) confidence pit against my general insecurity: I used to be obsessed with what people thought of me, and being cool and all that. Nowadays, I don't give a shit about what people I don't know/like think about me. Life is actually too stressful to care about that kind of stuff. But with this realisation, I also lost whatever confidence I had with my appearance. To me, now I am the plainest girl in the world, on the outside and the inside.
10. I was so familiar with the people in high school, and yet I didn't actually make many friends.