23:20, Friday, Nov. 09, 2012
Life is so shit.
I woke up today I realised: I have no one.
Then I cried and had an awful panic attack.
It wasn't that I even cared too much about that shit going on, just the fact that I wanted to talk to someone who wouldn't just end up talking about themselves, or who wasn't sure to be so obviously annoyed at me, or who would actually take it seriously.
Basically, I failed arch. Failed it to the point which was like to the point of no return. Like there was fail, and then there was, why the hell am I still doing this shit fail. Why. Honestly.
And it kills me inside to be doing something I hate, and I wonder how I'm ever going to continue this shit. People tell me to try harder, so maybe that's the problem, and maybe study in general is just not for me. Either way. The future looks bleak as hell.
Anyway that was pretty depressing shit that I just ignored yesterday and just slept through it because I was dead shit tired. But when I woke up today after 18 hours I was like, I can't do this. It's not going to get any better. And I thought I had gotten over my depression, but it just all came back like I was on the road to getting better and this shit just forces me back down into the ocean.
I've been trying and trying to tell myself that I can get through this, that this is not going to last forever. Years are getting shorter and shorter as they pass. But I am truly fucked. Then there are some people I've talked to and nothing seems right or seems to help. Here they are:
Ticky: She is actually the person I could probably tell anything about, good or bad. Or well, used to. Before, it used to be because she would always have an honest answer that would actually help and it wasn't cheesy or generic or something I didn't want to hear. Or at least if it was, they sounded true to heart. And this year I've talked to her about how much I've hated arch and she has helped a lot of times. But these days I feel like she doesn't even give a shit anymore. She has new friends and a new life. I probably just burden her with my crap and just drag her along with everything. Not that I didn't before, but now it just feels like she doesn't care. She used to be, I guess I would almost say, the friend who was very close to being a best friend. But now it seems like she doesn't act like it anymore, and I get so tired of her attitude because of it. I treasure her a lot, but she doesn't seem to give a shit about me. So I just don't care anymore, I'm giving up, time to move on.
Diana: who also does arch, who I can talk to about lots of various things and is always very cool and mature and stuff wooh. My dad loves her by the way. I'm glad we can still talk about things even after so many years, I think we're just tied together in some ways. But I couldn't talk to her, because I knew she would just say what everyone else would say. Not that she's wouldn't be right, only that that's not what I needed. I love her tonnes, but when I talk to her, I feel like I don't deserve to be unhappy.
Amanda: same thing, she has so much shit going on, I can barely slot myself in. I know how hard it is for stuff and how she's always just cutting through things, and she's always got a logical answer to things, so I could probably talk to her about anything.......if I could fit it in in the short periods when she catches her breath from talking. I realised it, that maybe she talks to me so much about her problems, about her life, because I'm sort of the venting wall. I'm sort of close enough but not too close to be related to her life, and I listen well and she can always say something without being misunderstood. I become too afraid of talking to her about my life sometimes, because her personality is so direct, that she will just tell me to do something, and wouldn't understand why I was so afraid and uncertain. Not her fault, just mine, because I don't want to hear it.
My parents: Are good to me, I know. I've recently (kind of) talked to them about uni and how much I hate it, and how I want out and I want to change and how uncertain and stressed I am. Probably the only people who know just how depressed I have been (although probably at a very diluted level to what I was really going through) and that's only because I have literally no one else to talk to. Honestly, why do I have to talk to my parents about these things, who will only scold the shit out of me for even being depressed. But yeah, they're good to me. I guess one point is how sorry I feel towards them with how I'm acting.
And lastly Pim: she is my dearly, dearly beloved friend. Without her, I would have surely died. She is my goal, my inspiration, myself in another life, the ideal, my best friend. I know I can tell her anything if I wanted to. But I can't. One, because she has been through so much, is going through so many horrible horrible things, yet she still stays strong. Years of hell, yet she continues. She has probably gone to the worst place on earth and yet returned to sanity. She is the strongest person I know. She is the strongest person in the world. So how can what I'm going through even compare. All I have to do is stay strong and hold out because nothing can be worse than what she has gone through.
However, despite knowing this, I have been a little disappointed in her this year. Perhaps because we aren't as close because we don't see each other as much. But I feel like when I tell her things, she doesn't take it seriously. True, maybe I sound like I don't care, I've also never suffered so badly before, I'm also the person who stays and helps and not the person who seeks help, and maybe I just sound like a whiney immature kid. But so what. I feel like at my worst time, I couldn't tell you anything because you wouldn't understand. You wouldn't understand how sad I was and how confused and scared and uncertain and fucked up I was. Even if I tell you, you probably won't think its that big of a deal, and I have no idea why. True, I know you understand how it feels to be depressed and I know you've been through it probably shittimes more than I have. But you wouldn't think that I'm going through that too, because I haven't really suffered at all. I have worried about you so, so much sometimes (and probably you don't even know) yet you don't worry about me at all because you think I'll be fine, because I usually am.
I know I am so incredibly selfish to ask of this but sometimes I just want to talk to you, for you to tell me about your life, to read some of your comments on some things. Yet you said that your ex boyfriend was depressed. Your ex boyfriend. Who you may or may not have been or be close with. Was depressed. That he did shit for an assignment, and lost a girl, and was depressed. Has been for ONE week. Now I don't doubt that at all, or believe that he's any less than depressed. You worry for this guy, seem to take him so seriously, seem to try to help him so much, maybe because he has no one else. You said that it was hard for him to get up in the morning, BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR ME TO GET UP EVERY DAY FOR MONTHS. DO YOU EVEN CARE THAT I BELIEVE MY LIFE IS SO SHIT RIGHT NOW? I KNOW IT DOESN'T EVEN COMPARE WITH YOUR SHIT, BUT HONESTLY? ONE ASSIGNMENT AND A GIRL FOR A WEEK? And it just makes me think, what am I to you, do you even take me seriously. Why don't you ever ask me what's wrong because there's always more man.
But I know this is so hard for me to ask, because it's my fault for not telling her about it properly, and I can't ask for her to just put all her attention onto me, and we barely see each other so its hard to notice, and it's not like I have really looked out for her this year I suppose and all that. I know. I'm just a little disappointed.
So I must have cried for an hour, and it was just everything coming back, university, friends, the future, what I want to do, what I'm doing now, why. Honestly, I wanted to take all the money out of the bank and buy a ticket to Japan, although reality just hammered onto that dream. Then I just wanted to buy a shittone of sleeping pills and go for a very long sleep (not die retards), so that I wouldn't have to think about stuff. Then I got up and ate and felt a bit better after eating.
I thought about calling my boss, or my workmate but that was a preeeeeeetty far fetch. Cindy? Too young. People at uni? NOT close enough. Jaya? Heeeeell no. Anybody else like that? No. Fuck that shit I have no one. Even the fucking kids helpline was busy.
Dudes. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I had it all planned out and then this shit comes and its all crashing down that wistful, wistful dream I had, that was only holding onto the 'okay' things that were happening.
Then I went to work and my boss said I looked good and fresh today. I laughed.