01:14, Wednesday, Oct. 17, 2012
I am so tired and I want to sleep so much, yet I can't. My mind is churning through a billion thoughts and it doesn't seem like it's able to stop. And it's bloody hot tonight.
Sometimes I leave my bedroom and eat oreos and buttersnaps to subdue my growing hunger, and sometimes I curl up in a blanket in the living room watching Star Trek or How I Met Your Mother, and sometimes I stay there awake until my dad wakes up in the morning for work, to which I pretend to fall asleep, and in doing so I come to actually fall asleep, and I crawl back to my bed, and only wake up in the afternoon.
When I think of tomorrow, when I'm planning things, I no longer consider sleep essential, I no longer consider sleep as even being there anymore.
I think because on most days, it's hard to find a reason to get up in the morning, and therefore it's hard to go to sleep knowing you have to wake up to that fact.
Here it is, a list of all the things which consume me, in greater waves and frequencies than during HSC or during any time before this year:
- Uni work
- The future of my uni course
- The future of my career
- The future of my life in general
- Gaining weight slash body image
- Being alone always
- Fulfilling expectations at the shop
- My brother's future
- My brother's current spending habits
- Doing something I hate for the rest of my life
- Hating the rest of my life
- Feeling the weight of the decisions I made when I was 17 for the rest of my life
- Trying to find a reason to live the next day
- Not drinking enough water
- Not sleeping enough
- Not changing so that I can fix all these problems
- Trying to find the motivation to change
- Trying to find something I enjoy doing
- Feeling as if I have no time for anything
- Wondering if I will ever have the time anymore if I'm condemned to work at least 5 days a week
- So hungry all the time
- Wondering what this and that person is thinking about me
- Wondering why I'm stuck in this fucking rut, umable to move
- Shittonnne more stressful thoughts
All in all, I believe in all stemmed from uni, because if I have no place where I can feel confident even just a little, and if I have too much time alone to think and mindfuck myself, then I can only head in a downward spiral.