18:25, Saturday, Feb. 04, 2012
It's like you just fucking can't wrap your head around the idea of 'trust' or 'independence' or 'a difference that isn't bad' or 'forgetting' or 'wait' or 'someone else' or 'something else.'
These days I prefer not to rant a lot on complaining about my parents, because it doesn't feel good to read back afterwards, because it doesn't seem like something I should be feeling towards them.
But I feel like I'm at that moment of time where I've graduated from university and I've got nothing else to do and I still live my parents and they're nagging me to find employment. This is basically what it feels like right now, only I haven't even started uni yet.
Everyday it's all like find a job, why haven't you got a job yet, have you handed out your resumes yet, have you searched for a job yet, have you found a job yet, find a way to find a job, find a job, why aren't you working hard to find a job, find a job, job job job job job job job job job. Get one.
And from my father: reading manga again huh, why are you still reading manga, god someone's still reading manga like a kid, even though someone said they would stop (oh and I suppose everyone does what they say they will do. That must be why world politics is so simple), only dumb people who can't do anything read manga, learning japanese was a terrible mistake, learning japanese has corrupted you, etc. But never actually telling me to stop.
It's when my mother in particular always tells me: Daughter, it's about time you become mature and grounded and less airheaded and find ways to find a job. And it is like this every single minute of every single day, and it's not like I don't want a job, but it's more like, I can't handle this. This is pressuring me. This worries me. I think about it to the point that I can't sleep at night unless I spend hours reading shit until I get tired enough to fall asleep at 2am.
I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just go out and try to get the bloody job that my mum desires so fucking much. Well you know I have tried. Once. And you don't know how much courage and persistence and control and time that took before I could. Which is quite silly because it wasn't hard at all, and I always knew that. It's just that the more I try, the more I know I'll be disappointed. With each store I step into, a little more hope that will be inevitably dashed accumulates in me. And I know the more I try, the more my mother will be dissatisfied.
I wouldn't mind it as much if it was just me that wanted it. But someone else is waiting for me, waiting for it, and it's like, sorry, but I can't do it. I don't mind trying so hard and failing myself, because I still know I tried my best. But trying so hard and disappointing someone else? I hate it, I'm afraid of it, and I try to avoid it but it haunts me.
Repeating the shit everyday to me doesn't help either. I like to forget bad things, always remember it as a mistake, but forget it in every other way. Because it does nothing but cause negativity. But my parents are the type of people who like to always bring up bad moments of life as if life itself is sculpted by scorning and discipline and bringing people's feelings down to remind them to stay on the fucking path.
These days, I try to do the chores without complaining. I stand up, swear in my head, and then I do it. Because you know, there's nothing wrong with doing them. What I hate most is not that my parents barely notice this, not that they just expect me to act as their dog just because they created me, and not that they only notice when I am complaining a little.
What I hate the most is when they do on the off chance notice it, doing this chore, to them, makes me seem like a 'good daughter.' An 'obedient daughter.' A 'responsible daughter.' Fuck that shit who cares. They think I'm actually pleased to hear that when for the other 80% of the time they're saying the opposite? The only thing I really wanted/want to hear is 'Thank you,' every now and then you know?
I mean I don't mind taking on some responsibility or doing things and stuff, but don't fucking complain about the way I do things. I'm never going to be your fucking perfect daughter, so you can stop trying now. At the very least, be a little attuned to my feelings you know? But then I realised that while my parents will always do what's best for me and my future, they don't give a damn fuck about my feelings.
Sometimes, I just want to yell out to them, yell out to someone, yell out to the world: I'm only 17!!! I don't want to do anything!! I want to laze about and read bullshit manga and stay out later than 8pm in the city at the coffee shop and blast my music at 100% volume and be able to listen to songs that are 40% rap and waste money and buy clothes and sleep after 11:30pm and swear out aloud and cry my eyers out and do shit!! I want to do something without you having to say something so obviously displaying your distaste for it!!
But I can't say any of that. To anyone. Because I'm already 17. My best friend puts up with a billion times more shit than I do, and she takes it all in and tries to move on. I know a shit tonne of other kids who are moving out, working jobs all day, cadetships, indulging while disregarding everyone else, doing intense courses, acting like adults. And besides, all parents are generally like this anyway.
Meanwhile, I have this online diary. I go on tumblr a lot. I read lot's of bullshit manga. I go on youtube doing bullshit things a lot. I rarely go out to meet anyone or just to see the sun. I don't do the things I know I should be doing. I complain a lot. I think I'm the only victim here. My self confidence is pretty much a shriveled raisin. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to strangers. I'm afraid of everything. I want to change but I can't.
However.
I've finished reading my first book in a billion years, even though it's a children's book and I was meant to read it for my HSC. I've discovered that I really, really want a hardcover copy of Peter Pan. And I've reconfirmed that there's probably a Beatles song for every moment in life.