16:54, Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2012
Ok well this month so far (oh shit more than half of it has already past), I've been thinking continually: pretty diary entries only, pretty diary entries only, about pretty things only, concise, short and no ranting. But that just means I haven't been writing/typing as much as I usually would be, and so I explode with thoughts every night before I sleep, and I wake up every morning with these explosive thoughts which have given me only five six hours of sleep.
So while I am still in this happy-go-lucky, no-regrets, fuck-it-all, type of mood, which hasn't happened very much at all this entire year (quite a shame really), I'm just going to rant and rant and rant about all things bothering me. 'Cos shit builds up like an erection bro and needs to find release lolol um.
The one list I've been meaning to write down on paper (soon!) is, 'Things I want that money can't buy.' I'm being serious here. For the past few years, I've had no idea what I wanted for my birthday, and hence, my parents buy/do nothing at all. But of course, being the materialistic, appearance-obsessed girl I am, I actually do have a wishlist of all the things I want (it's on my computer), mainly clothes.
Most of those things are things I want and I like to dream about the one day that I finally obtain them. But that's about it. I've realised, that despite wanting them, when faced with a chance to have them, I don't want them enough to actually use every method possible to get them. It's fine for me to just 'want' it for a while rather than actually having it. (Oh god this reminds of something....... oh shit it's Emily Dickinson, that fucking haunting ghost bitch lol.) But I suppose it's true, I think I rather enjoy complaining about the impossibility of ever owning that one thing on the wishlist, just pining over an image of it in my mind.
Because if you haven't realised by now, I'm fickle. And the things I want, I can guarantee myself, I won't want in a few weeks/months time. So I keep lists and lists of several different degrees of wants, because sometimes it's difficult for me to know if I really, actually want it. Instead of 'want,' it's more like, 'it would be nice to have.' I consider myself very minimal in personal possessions, so I like to own any thing in general. And that's why I prefer being given presents of any sorts (useful) as long as it's thoughtful, because I will end up loving it, and because I just like to have things.
Anyway back to the topic; the things I know now that I really, really want, verging on need, end up being things that no one can buy. They are things that should be quite easy to obtain, because they only require a single simple decision or action. Yet it's quite possible, on some days, to search the entire earth for them, and come home empty handed. Here's a list off the top of my head:
- A job.
- Courage to try.
- Perseverance when faced with failure.
- To be less irritable.
- My Ls.
- To play more piano.
- To pick up the bloody guitar.
- To start jogging in the morning.
- To stop going on the computer so fucking much.
- To be fearless of all words, eyes, the unknown and the uncomfortable.
- To be a successful satisfied architect.
- A good future.
- Friends who will always be friends.
- To trust in that.
- To put in all my effort into what I do.
- Awesomeness.
Basically everything I'm not and don't have. But I suppose now I understand a little more why people have gods, have prayers, have places to wish for blessings and whatnot. If some greater thing out there could give us all that, we would all be superheroes. Sucks we're only a single human being programmed to have thoughts beyond: "to live" and "live" and "pass each day living."