11:36 AM, Friday, Sept. 23, 2011
I lost my yearbook.
Well actually I left it next to my bag and someone took it and then probably ditched in the hallway once they realised it wasn't theirs, and someone apparently picked it up, but no one knows who it is.
So yeah, technically, I lost my yearbook.
Which is pretty sad I suppose, but I'm probably not as sad right now as I will be in ten years time.
I don't know if I'm actually sad about leaving it or not.
I think it's really sad it's all ending and how life only gets harder from here and stuff. But I don't think it's really hit me just yet.
Maybe because there are some things, some people, and some more things that I really don't want to see anymore. Or some things that I'm not really proud of and can't wait to leave behind. And the fact that maybe the main reason I'm sad about it ending is that, what I waited for (whatever that is) deep inside never happened. And also because I feel that I feel a need to
Anyway, I am afraid of things changing, but quite a solid part of me is really indifferent to it all. I think I just shut out everything because it feels more secure that way. I think I'm taking things for granted but what can I do to not? I know that in the future, in a year, in 6 months, in 3 months maybe next month, I'll be regretting this, or I'll know exactly what I should have done. But as of now, I'm its just like bleh.
With the year 7 letter thing, all I can say is that... I was really annoying. Sort of like, I'm going to slap this bitch because she's so annoying and melodramatic and lacking awareness and tact, even though that was me... five six years ago. I think there was one letter that meant something more though it wasn't even my own letter to myself. It felt kind of strange how someone knew me so well, and my flaws, and somehow put it in words, even when I didn't know it. And that's a bitch too. And then it got me thinking, I probably haven't changed at all. Maybe a grew up a bit, and realised it, but that doesn't mean I'm any different.
I feel like I'm stuck in a little bubble which is the world, sort of like a cycle which entraps you and you can't escape because that is the world, and that is everyone and everything around you. There are bigger things out there, and I just wished people realised it, but perhaps they do, but they can't be bothered to do anything except worry about the superficial and shallow things that trouble them next to their beds. That's what I find myself doing anyway.
And I think even with all these self reflection and self analysing and shit, at the five year or ten year or whatever reunion, it's just going to be the same. People will clamber to show that they've changed and break their old images and pretend that they've somehow become better people and try to put into actions how they have changed mentally. But no one really cares no one cares at all, because no one has really changed so why are we trying to prove something and what are we trying to prove??
FUCK.
I'm probs talking about myself.