7:33 PM, Wednesday, Sept. 07, 2011
because of how badly I'm doing, my dad thinks about it all the time as if more depressed about it than I am. I'm not seeing things, it's right bloody there, he's quiet and disappointment reeks in his voice and moments. Both my parents seem unable to remove unwanted thoughts or ignore them, which is really strange, since I can do that usually really easily since the situation calls for it so much. So I don't know if that means I'm mature and they're not, or if I'm just being a lazy un-confronting coward.
Because of how badly I'm doing, my dad feels the need to make sure my brother doesn't end up the same, so he's incredibly more adamant than usual about my brother's year 10 electives. Perhaps time is faster for them, because I think, regardless of what he chooses, he is bound to change (a lot) within the next two years, before the actual HSC. I feel sorry for my brother, and angry at my father for trying to force it, but I can't say anything since... I did so badly and luckily he won't tell my mum until my report comes out.
But really, I know where my parents are coming from, and all the goodness and future-orientatedness of the decisions they try to enforce, since I'm old enough to know there are some things that they were right about which I completely ignored. But being there, I also think, that if I had to live it again, I would continue to choose the same path as I did before, because if I hadn't, I know I wouldn't be where I am today, or think the things I do, because regret... is something you need, and something that changes you.
Plus, they have the most horrible way of conveying things, and I don't think they're even aware of it, which only makes it worse. Forcing us to do something will not work either, since the act of being forced takes over any amount of reason, if we had any at all.
Arghghgagh I wish I could say something, but I can never explain what I want to say to my parents, because of the language barrier/cultural barrier/mindset barrier/age gap, or to my brother, because of his short attention span/indifference/hot-headedness, or to my friends, as it comes out in jumbles because its all indescribable feelings.
It's like fuck, how does one communicate these days.