1:44 PM, Sunday, Aug. 28, 2011
Went to USYD open day yesterday. Saw some people I didn't really want to see, learnt things I didn't really want to learn. Actually I only went to see one thing, which I did end up doing but the result was: I felt scared shitless.
More than showing me how cool it would be or inspiring me to love it, it made me afraid of how I would never be able to live up to it? Well there were some things that sounded so awesome and fun that I might come to love it so much, and I wouldn't mind the hard work if the outcome was that beautiful. But the other part just seemed completely out of reach, because I'm not that type of person.
Arghghag I'm not making sense I know.
Maybe it seems like I'm limiting myself, and if I'd really love it, I would be able to do it, since it's not a matter of ability but effort. But I'm pretty sure that I know what will happen. I'm preeettty sure. And when have I been the type of person to put in a lot of effort.
And besides that, I think just the atmosphere in general fucking scares the living daylights outa me. Like I knew vaguely it would be like this, but I don't know, I sort of found comfort (since I'm used to it) at school, where people are sort of overly-judgemental or nice but don't talk to you unless they have to, or where people mind their own business, or where awkwardness prevails, or where its normal for people to be unfriendly.
Argh fuck ok I sound like a bitch, but seriously, it felt like my little bubble of false ignorance was just forcibly popped and I'm forced to grow up, which makes me still a child I guess, but sad now that it's all ending :( Also I feel awkwardly uncomfortable with people who are like, so open, and so friendly, and so talkative, that it seems fake. Even though its probably real, to me it just feels fake? Like O, who everyone says is full nice, and even I know that she's a kind saintly soul, but.... just as long as I'm not the one talking to her.
Arghasgfasdflasdjfsdflkj unreasonable I know.
I need to go out more.
Make some friends.
The likes.