8:53 PM, Saturday, May. 21, 2011
Classical music, soundtracks, study playlists. Maybe because I need to study? Or maybe because I'm just sick of singing, and words, and talking, and voices, and things that make sense. Because words are so fake.
Tomorrow, if I make it through like I should, like I have half-planned in my mind today, if things that should happen actually happen, and I do things, then I will be saved. I will have another chance. If not, then I should really fuck a wall.
Confused. About what course to pick. Not sure if I want to do this, not sure if I can do that, not sure if I want to pick something that will decide the rest of my life right now. So uncertain about the future, but who isn't.
Looking at photos, two years ago, even one year ago, and it feels so nostalgic already. The photos have dwindled since mid-last-year though, which is a tad sad. Just like words though, they are inadequate. Everything is inadequate to describe. To describe the whole truth (erghk) is unfortunately impossible.
It's almost half a year gone, but it doesn't feel like it. Time is warped this year, maybe because of the HSC year workings, or maybe because I just want to slow things down while speed things up at the same time.
I think I've finally come to terms with it, and that's why I'm so calm, and tired, and quiet, and bored and uncaring about being alone, and accepting. No one is going to understand me like I want them to. That's why I should calm the fuck down.
I am too dependent on Ximia. I have grown too accustomed to using her as my escape. It really wasn't until last year that I began ignoring everyone else, and now that I think about it, it was because I just wanted to forget everyone and everything else, and Ximia has a personality which allowed me to do that. Everything was so carefree, and when I did feel annoyed at her, it was only at times when she didn't make me feel light and floaty and laughter and bubbles.
And so I should try to interact with others more, I've decided.