3:34 PM, Sunday, May. 15, 2011
I am fuckloads behind in maths homework, behind like never fucking before, behind like nobody in the world has ever been this behind. And somehow, despite how it scares me, it doesn't scare me enough to actually GO and DO the fucking work.
As much as I bag myself for being hopelessly un-passionate, without dreams or goals or motivations or willpower, and as much as I slam it in my own face, in other's faces, that 'this' will never happen, 'that' is impossible because the reality is not that easy, all of which I know is true, I still have a fairytale belief inside that there has to be something else more bigger out there. Something that is going to happen because it just is, and I'm going to be there at the right time in the right place in the right moment. I'm atheist to the bone, I discard fate and destiny as bullshit, so it's kind of confusing for me to allow myself to think that things will get better just because of no reason.
It's sort of like the same feeling I get when I think about what I want to do in the future. Currently, I'm lost, just going with the flow, because I won't let myself expect too much. But there it is, the fairytale believer inside me, alive and kicking, and this is her dream: to become involved so deep into the corrupted global capitalist companies that I'll spend my life climbing for power, to be at the top. Yeah maybe its not your average fairytale, but it is one. For some reason it excites me, even though I know how corruption is ruing the world, and money isn't everything, and it'll make me unhappy. But I want the feeling of travelling, of respect, of red wine and hotel beds, of the office chair, of the knotted mess of financial difficulties, of controlling things. I suppose I'm thinking of things too easily, because there's DEFINITELY more than just that in the business world, which I have media-rised in my head. And not that it's possible for someone like me to reach such a stage anyway.
So even though I know the reality, I'm still wishing for the impossible. But it kills me because I need to know that I have nothing, I am nothing, so that I'll know to do something about it. But instead, I'm overcome with wishful thinking that I'm not nothing, and I can't afford to think like that. Not in this lifetime.