7:03 PM, Saturday, Jul. 11, 2009
Remember that car crash in Revesby? About those three 15, 16, 16 year olds who got drunk, stole a car, crashed it, and the driver and one ran away. One was left behind. By the time they reached him, he died from blood loss. If the other two had called the ambulance or told someone he could have lived.
Turns out, the driver was Sam Rubenach. Yeah the short haired guy from primary.
Shit.
Adam R told me last night on msn when we were talking. He also said he went to juvi. I know right. And he went for stealing a car, graffiti and break and enter or something. I think they're pretty mild and ok so I was like oh whatever after a bit. He's only 15 though. But it felt rather adrenaline-ish for me, to actually know someone who did stuff like this. Stuff I read about it Pd and think that it doesn't actually happen. And now I know it actually does.
But then I found out about Sam and I was like shit. Alcohol and killing his mate where the first words I thought of. And I'm like, woah too much.
And I was talking to Tegan as well and she knew about it already too. She dyed her hair too. I feel so slow. It was end of Term 1 and its already past Term 2 now.
Sometimes I guess, when you feel so sure of yourself and confident that you've matured and grown since, that you've changed enough to be satisfied at who you are. Sometimes, despite that, the world comes back to knock you down on your knees. And you realize just how everyone else has grown as well.
You're nothing. You live in a bubble.
Sometimes, I wish I were a normal dumb kid who went to East Hills or Picnic Point or something and just did normal shit. Just so I can feel like what is classified as normal in this suburb I live in. no i don't.
no i shouldn't.
I guess its either take it all, or take nothing at all.
Reunion. Is that even possible now? I want it so much. With the girls especially. But I'm so afraid. Of how much we have changed, of how we will react to each other, of how things can go wrong. What if we end on awkward terms? That'd be shittier than not meeting ever again.
I wish I were more confident. I blame it all on my looks, my clothes, my parents, my childhood, my ways of how I grew up. But I know I shouldn't. Maybe if I were a little bit more confident and perhaps less self-conscious and everything, I would be able to feel comfortable around everyone. People in general.
I hate how I'm afraid of white people in general now. I hate how I refer to them as white people. I hate how I can't converse with them properly now. I hate how I feel inferior to them. I hate it so so so so much.
Sam's leaving school at the end of the year. I wonder how things are going. I hope he's changing. Because if he isn't, what a freaking waste of a friend's life that was.
I had a dream he did. Someone changed him because that person didn't judge him on what he did because the person didn't know. I hope that will happen one day. For everyone.
On the other hand, Adam R sounds decent still =]